PORT RICHEY, FL –
After news broke of yet another local Amazon package theft, tens of thousands of Pasco residents have decided to take matters into their own hands.
‘Purge Pasco’ is an organization that seeks to rid Pasco of package thieves by promoting defecating in an Amazon Prime box, resealing it, and placing it on one’s front porch. The practice is designed to lure unsuspecting package thieves to puff a putrefying poo upon prying open the potty-package.
Director of Purge Pasco, Kyle Reinhart, stated that the mission of the group is to “give package thieves a chance to self-reflect, because they see their reflections when they open our boxes.”
Here are Kyle’s tips for efficiently combating and deterring porch pirates:
1) Prepare the Box Inside, Not on Your Porch.
We wouldn’t want anyone to get any public indecency charges for trying to protect their property, so please make sure to only defecate inside.
2) The Package Must Be Completely Sealed
Due to the pervasive stench of human feces in a cardboard box outside in the Florida summer heat, it is absolutely crucial that the box is properly and entirely sealed. Use strong packing tape, and make sure any small holes or openings are taped up.
3) Make Sure the Stench is Undetectable
Since we won’t want the thieves to suspect anything, we don’t want them smelling your poo stank until after they’ve opened the box and hopefully reached inside. Double-check to see if the smell is detectable. Ask a friend to smell the outside of a package for you to see if they notice. If they don’t – great! Your package is smell-proof. If they do smell something, then your package is not smell-proof, and you may have lost a friend.
4) Use Dunnage Wisely
Don’t just poop in a box and seal it. Thieves aren’t going to fall for your pile of manure sliding and sloshing around in an otherwise empty cardboard box. Put other things in the box to give it the feel of a real Amazon package. Our members find that adding fake electronics works the best. When thieves think they’ve stumbled across a brand new iPhone, they are more likely to buy the rouse and get a nice wiff and handful of what we prepared for them.
5) Sometimes, Less is More
You don’t need to pile on the poo. In fact, at times it might be more effective to use just a tiny smidge of poop. The more discreet the poop, the more likely it is for the thief to accidentally touch it. This should also highlight the importance of thoughtful poo placement.
If you follow these 5 simple steps, the thieves will have absolutely no way to tell that they are ‘stealing’ a literal box of crap until after they’ve opened it.
Rinehart added that he hopes these efforts will constipate the plans of would-be package thieves, and urge their immediate evacuation from Pasco county. Purge Pasco has been making huge waves in the area, and its influence continues to permeate steadily throughout Pasco. Purge Pasco has proven to be a truly explosive movement in the community.
Only time will tell if anyone will be gullible enough to steal packages in Pasco from here on out.