Pasco’s Elderly in Total Disarray after Bilirakis Butt-Dial


After Congressman Gus Bilirakis mistakenly butt-dialed all registered voters in Pasco on Tuesday, many elderly citizens reportedly were thrown into a state of utter confusion.

Congressman Gus Bilirakis’ office uses a mass dialing system to conduct ‘Town Hall’ phone calls with his constituents, calls which are attended en masse by Pasco’s elderly population. However, when the Congressman sat on his phone in the middle of a meeting on Tuesday, his constituents got only an earful of muffled rustling sounds from inside his left back pocket. This was simply too much for some elderly citizens to handle.

Records from the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office show that thousands of local residents called for wellness checks on their elderly family members. The families reportedly became worried after multiple attempts to call their parents and grandparents were met with busy dial-tones, even after several hour intervals.

Pasco Sheriff Chris Nocco explained what his deputies found when they conducted the wellness check on the elderly citizens.

After receiving thousands of wellness checks for elderly folks who were unable to be reached via telephone, our deputies were prompt to respond. I am pleased to report that all of citizens in question have been located and are physically safe. However, they were all significantly emotionally distraught by the incident. We found several of them repeatedly yelling “Hello?!” into their telephones. Some were weeping uncontrollably claiming that “something happened to Gus!” It was clear to our deputies that these folks literally had no idea what a butt dial was. None of them had hung up the 5 hour and 37 minute phone call.

According to interviews conducted with the families of the affected seniors, many of them had thought that the Congressman had been abducted, and that the muffled sounds they heard of him having casual conversations were actually his desperate cries for help inside of a mobster’s trunk.

The traumatized elders are expected to recover from the emotional trauma caused by the incident through extensive counseling offered by the Pasco County Health Department. In an effort to prevent this kind of mass panic from occurring again, the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office will be conducting “Butt Dial Awareness Class” on the first and third Monday of every month at Pasco County libraries.

Gus Bilirakis offered his “sincerest apologies” to all of those affected by his traumatic butt-dial.

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