ODESSA, FL – Despite its unexpected closure in 2016, the Odessa SuperTarget just announced that it now self-identifies as being open for business.
On Tuesday, the store made the following statement.
“As many of you are aware, we closed our doors on January 30, 2016. However, after our closure, we sincerely believed that we were still open. We are now coming out as being open. We ask all members of the Pasco community to refer to us by our preferred business status adjective of ‘open’, and encourage harassment and public shaming of anyone who refuses.”
The SuperTarget will begin transitioning immediately. The process will include a substantial investment to stock their shelves with products that they do not intend on selling. They will overhaul the inside of the store to look strikingly similar to an actual store that is open for business.
The store also pronounced judgment on any “intolerant bigots” who would refuse to refer to them by their preferred business status.
“There will always be religious nutjobs who care more about facts than feelings, who will insist that we are still closed. We thoroughly expect our local politicians to charge such transphobic fascists with hate speech.”
By any objective standard, the retailer is still closed. But due its feelings, it is now something that it is not. We humbly ask all Pasco residents to refer to the SuperTarget as “open”, and simply to report anyone who says otherwise to the local thought police. The Odessa SuperTarget is now the first and only open store in the country to not offer any products for sale or have any business hours. The open SuperTarget is expected to remain closed indefinitely.