On Monday afternoon, Pasco Sheriff Chris Nocco confirmed that the loud, repetitive, thunderous sounds in Pasco and surrounding areas were caused by a Hudon man’s severe gas. Concerned citizens contacted local authorities and news outlets about the loud, booming sounds they heard Monday afternoon, hypothesizing everything from sonic booms to a North Korean attack. But after a timely investigation, Pasco Sheriff Nocco confirmed that the sounds were not coming from any type of foreign or domestic aircraft or weaponry, but rather from the bowels of a hungry Hudsonian.
“We tracked the sounds to a Hudson resident who was standing and flatulating in Hudson Beach. After questioning, the man confessed to drinking the water in Hudson beach after helping himself to multiple entrees at Sam’s on the Beach.”
After being asked what amplified the man’s farts so profusely, Nocco replied: “We have reason to believe that the unknown, and most likely toxic, contents of Hudson Beach water is what caused his flatulence to be so tremendous.”
Although Sheriff Nocco stated that the Pasco Sheriff’s office was committed to respecting the anonymity of the embarrassed man, he added that “it is probably safe to say that his first name is ‘Mike’.”
Nocco assured sympathetic citizens that Mike’s condition is being treated with an intravenous solution of Pepto-Bismol and flat Coca-Cola, and that he is expected to fully recover within hours.