PORT RICHEY, FL –
Thinking of swiping one of Gulf View’s plastic cows? You’ll be dead meat when these guards are done with you.
In response to the recent cow kidnapping in St. Pete, management at Gulf View Square Flea Market has decided to bracket their beloved bovine with baton-brandishing guards.
Ricky Buchinsky, CEO of Gulf View Square Flea Market’s holding company, explained the decision in a statement to the press.
The plastic cows outside of Harry Seltzer’s Steakhouse represent peace, prosperity, and porterhouse for the people of Port Richey. After hearing about the recent abduction of one of their fellow kin, we are more determined than ever to provide a safe place for plastic cows to flourish. That’s why we have hired a group of highly-trained security guards to keep watch over our herd.
According to reports, the small group of security guards is comprised of former military, secret service, and CIA personnel who underwent specialized training in ranching to prepare for the job. The security team, who call themselves ‘The Cowboys’, will provide 24/7 surveillance of the cows, including via CCTV video footage, in-person patrol, and aviation reconnaissance. Other reports also suggest the presence of an infrared tripwire around the cows that is activated after-hours.