Hudson Seagulls Getting Higher than Ever Due to Opioid Epidemic

HUDSON, FL –

According to a new study published by Pasco Hernando State College, the majority of Hudson seagulls are addicted to opioids. Experts concluded that the spike in addiction among seagulls is due to trace amount of opioid residue in the food debris that Hudson beach-goers feed to the seagulls at Hudson Beach and Sunwest Park.

One of the researchers who conducted the study, Henry Keplinger, commented on the impact of opioid addiction on the Hudson seagull population.

Our study showed not only how widespread opioid addiction among Hudson seagulls is, but also how much of an impact addiction has on the life of a seagull. Addicted seagulls experienced symptoms such as sunken in face, decreased appetite, and antisocial behaviors.

Keplinger also explained how concerned Hudson residents can intervene physically in order to help curb the seagull opioid addiction epidemic.

For anyone wishing to help restore an addicted seagull to good health, we recommend physical capture and restraint. Keep in mind that the seagulls are feigning for a fix, so they won’t want to be caught. They will avoid eye contact and capture, and continue trying to rummage through anything and everything in search of more drugs. So be cautious and stealthy as you approach. I’d recommend holding out a bottle of Fentanyl in order to lure it into your reach. Then just reach out and grab it. Simply squeeze it tightly in a strong embrace for at least 2 hours, or until it falls asleep. The withdrawals will set in immediately, and the creature will begin flailing and attempt to escape your grasp. But you have to maintain a tight grip if the seagull will have any hope of recovery. Due to their size, the detoxification process for seagulls begins almost immediately after capture, and can be completed within a few hours. Common signs that the detox is working are loud squawking, biting, and excessive defecation. It is important to keep a tight grip even during these disturbing signs of healing.

Experts also recommend relocating the seagulls to a healthier environment like Trinity or Wesley Chapel once they have completed the rehabilitation process to avoid relapse.

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